Big Boys Dont Cry!!!

I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none - Macbeth

My memories of my life in Delhi, though vague, are a regular feature of my nostalgic process.

I lived in a suburb called Mayur Vihar, on the banks of Yamuna and had my school(Somerville) in Noida. Everyday I had to carry a truck load of books, wear an overcoat cos it was winter and hear my grandfather saying "Cmon big guy, jog in the fog". And by the time you reach the banks of Yamuna, puffing and panting to catch the bus, it would have left. I would curse the situation(Bunk school??). No way. Now it would have to be my grandfather's Bajaj. I just love my school bus sleeps. BIG BOYS DONT SLEEP.

One day the bus which normally takes me to sleep(oops school) met with an accident, it overturned. The lazy guy I am I dont normally take off my bag while going to sleep. Picture this! On top of me was this bag, on top of which was a broken seat on top of which was a gal relaxing and whispering for help. I was squealing at the top of my voice. I reached for my hand somehow and started beating the gal above me left and right which made her shout for help. After the heroic way out, I saw everybody crying. I had a few bruises as well. But I had another concern. I was looking for my class teacher. Where was she? Yeah! I found her. There she was. Ma'am, ma'am!!! Are you hurt, Barat? Ma'am, should we still goto school?

I found her in the van seated in a corner, still crying. Was she hurt or was it because my hand graced her body a little enthusiastically( ok...fine....beat her). This was going to be my very first act of chivalry. I went and sat beside her. She looked at me. I couldnt look at her. She showed me her elbow and said its paining. I gave her a smile of vindication.I didnt do it. She touched my elbow and asked me doesnt it hurt for you. It did badly. Why arent you crying? No, BIG BOYS DONT CRY. Her name was Miss M.

Mayur Vihar, is divided into pockets and each pocket has a playground attached to it. I loved playing cricket there because I really sucked at it. You could score a zero and the cutie pie would never know. My first attempt to ride a bicycle was there as well. There was this close friend of mine I used to hate cos he was good at cricket, looked cool and the next door cutie pie seemed to like him and not me. He would always challenge me to a game of cricket and the man I am I wouldnt refuse. It would be a 2 man game with her looking out from her house. The winner would be invited inside her house for Roohafsa(pardon the spelling - a summer drink). I would cry that I lost and usually chose building corners to vent them out. One of those days Miss M actually saw me crying and walked upto me and asked me "But you said Big Boys dont cry?" I wiped my tears off and smiled "YES. BIG BOYS DONT CRY." Its just some dirt that had gone into my eyes while playing.

There was a big crowd. It was a funeral. I didnt know back then. People were crying. Some anxious. I was confused. People didnt tell me what happened. I couldnt understand. One of my uncles walked upto me, lifted me up, gave me a five star and told me. "Dont worry son, your dad will be with you always." BIG BOYS DONT CRY. What are you talking about? Its the fire and smoke thats hurting me. And yeah whats up with Dad!!!I was just 8 years old.

It has been 17 years since then. I am a BIG BOY now. I dont know what transformed me then, but I grew along to become an atheist and a loner. With a grudge against the unfairness meted out to me by Him, I swore to myself I'll rewrite my own fate. Not wanting to take anybody's help, add to my mom's concern and show an apparent weakness, I learnt everything the hardway meeting a lot of failures. With a strong sense of logic and rationale, I removed the emotional quotient out of every equation and tackled all my difficulties easily.Professionally, I call myself successful. I might not be from a world class institute, not even comparable to the best brains, but I can shape my career the way I want to, talk myself out of any situation, talk myself into any situation. People call me intelligent, people call me stud. They say I have good grasping powers. People come to me for help and advise. When they ask me how I handle failures in a mature way, I tell myself why not. I have seen it all. I am a BIG BOY. WHY SHOULD BIG BOYS CRY? I have never.

They say a man cannot be happy both personally and professionally. I wanted to prove it wrong. I have always believed that to be successful one needs to have a strong value system and the courage to be true to it. I have tried to help anyone and everyone in need irrespective of their gender and age. I have had the guts to be honest and outspoken most of the times. People come to me with problems and I make them see sense. I advise people on relationships though have never been in one. BIG BOY DOESNT CRY. I wanted a change. I had seen it all. I wanted to move out of my house, see the world. That is when I moved into a business school.

It was a long walk down the PPO road in solitude. The dazzling reflection of light down her curves made it look sensuous. But insensitive to sensuality and lost in my thoughts, I was in deep introspection of the year that had passed. It is just amazing how the whole world has changed in an year. Over the 25 years, never once have I questioned my convictions. I have answered situations through my convictions. This past one year, every situation has questioned my conviction. I suddenly find myself lost in a jungle. I have never felt more afraid to speak out my mind. People seem to be talking amongst themselves and I have to read their message from the expressions they give me and sometimes go behind them as well. When I came here people mockingly welcomed me to the "civilised world". Yet in this past one year, I have heard sober comments and seen some sober actions that I wouldnt have even imagined when am frustrated and sloshed. In a period of one year, I have earned adjectives like arrogant, dominant, egoistic and some censored. Gimmicks about my physical appearance, have become pronounced to such an extent that it leaves some bad taste. Comments on size, style, hair, eyebrows have made me wonder and wanting to ask - Is there any part of my body which is actually acceptable? I have never reacted to criticism and taken jokes in the most lively manner that could be called nothing short of self-mockery. But this seems to be a world focussed on a tailor-made value system, diplomacy and physical appearance - all but a shallow crust of the rock of character.

People there call me a non-conformist and people here dont allow me to be a conformist. Where do I belong? Whenever I feel low, my sense of rationale and logic step in for a situational analysis of the problem. Today as I deal with a problem for which I know no solution exists and a fear that the only way out is surviving this, I yearn for company, for friendship, for love. I reach out into emptiness. I suddenly want to believe in God. I want to believe in emotions. I want to relate with people better. Amidst all the criticism am subjected to, the hope fuelling my life is a friendship or a love that can give me a hug, like me for what I am, how I am and why I am, tell me am a good and a true friend. If I have put my thoughts in a simple manner today, its not a conscious, but a choked attempt. My emotions have choked my flow of thoughts and words. WHY CANT BIG BOYS CRY? BIG BOY WANTS TO CRY!!!

Signed, Barat Ramkumar

TGIF - 4th Oct 2006

Life@623 H5 NITIE has been one that I'll remember for a long time. This is the first of the series of experiences I shall write to contain my frustration of not being able to rework any further on my widely talked about project in the unit. Please forgive some dramatisations. Its in my blood.

Cast: Poor Batty once again, Jai, Atlee, Prachi,Surabhi and Dhivya.
Date: 4th October 2006 - Thats what the date on the pic says
(Clockwise: Jay-partly hidden, Prachi, Surabhi, Dhivya and Poor Batty; Photo Courtesy: Atlee)
I was just back from a week long vacation@home and was settling in when I got a call from upstairs. Batty-wanted-in-placement-office was a new phenomenon back then and I quickly tucked in a shirt, put on a belt and rushed. Standing in formals in front of the hostel, trust me, is very embarassing. Everybody looks at you like a caged animal in a zoo. After a 15 min long wait, both of us took a jog up and I never panted more. I didnt have a clue the evening was going to be long. Another half-hour wait later we finally got in. Never accept a seat when he offers you one. I was too young in the system to realise that. Grabbed a chair straight in front of the AC. "So, what have you guys been upto?" Thats the last statement I remember from the marathon 4-hour sesson that went on. To cut things short, this is the essence of what transpired "There are two ways to become popular and get a name. One is be as hardworking as Harsha is, and the other is...." He just stops at it and smiles at me. Why I was notorious deserves another entry which I shall save for later. Its 9 pm already. My biological clock is never wrong. I wanna grab something to eat. Not wanting to go to the mess in formals I rushed to my room only to see it was locked.

I called up Jai( Yes! He was my roomie.)

"Dinner?"

"We are actually going out to dine."

"Where is Atlee?Uske paas chaabi hoga."
(Pause: Now who was Atlee? Uske paas chaabi kyon hoga? See, when I opted for NITIE, I was promised single occupancy, given double and realised it was triple. He was a non-permanant resident of the state of 623. But I didnt mind. We had a great time, the three of us. )

"Woh bhi aa raha hai humaare saath. Tu bhi chal jaldi. Ready ho jaa. We are going to TGIF."

"Great. I really wanna mug of beer. Have had a long evening. Who else is up?"

"Prachi and Surabhi."

I didnt battle an eyelid "Ok... you guys just carry on. Am in no mood to spoil my evening. If you guys are out on a double-date, just go ahead. "

"Abe date-wate kuch nahi hai. Tu bhi aajaa. "

I have known better not to accept such reasons. But I really needed a break.

How do I dress? What do I dress? These are some questions that have never bothered me and I just grabbed a pair of jeans put them on and came downstairs. Who is this Surabhi? I have never seen her and why is everybody in their party outfits. I was already getting a feel of misfit in that group.

" This is batty and she is Surabhi." Atlee told us and I smiled.

" But I have never seen him in the class." She asked questioningly

" Well, fair enough. I belong to Section B."

" So does she. Hahahah. Kabhi class jaata to pata hota."

I smiled sheepishly. This aint going the way I wanted.

"Hi !! Battttyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!" Prachi squealed
Meri mummy ne mera naam Barat kyon rakha...seedha Batty rakh dete....

I left the 4 of them and started walking. It was cold and I was contemplating carrying a couple of cigarettes with me. Forget it! I just hope I dont land up alone with one of the gals alone in the auto. Whats with me and gals? I never seem to strike a chord with them.

"Bored already?"

"Nopes! Just relishing the experience. Hey listen! Can I back out? I really seem a misfit in the group."

"I know just how you are feeling. There is another gal joining us. So dont worry. She'll keep you company. "

Another girl really doesnt compensate for a mug of beer. But I didnt wanna be a spoilsport.

"There she is. Meet her, she is Dhivya."

Atlast a familiar face. My opinion about familiar faces is a little weird. See, one thing about gals is that they take only a couple of mins to realise how uninteresting I am. And those 2 mins and the 2 mins that follow are really very embarassing for both of us. Familiar faces dont even strike a conversation with you. So its a safer proposition.

"Hey!" I said and looked out pretending to search for an auto. The four of them were together already searching for one. Two autos came by.

"You look great!"

She just got into the auto and didnt even bother replying.
Are there coaching classes for engaging women in a conversation? I badly needed one.

I quickly got into the other auto. Good thing. It was just Prachi inside with Atlee.

"I shall be stepping out for an hour to attend a birthday party."

"You step out of this auto and you are dead meat." I said glaringly.

You pulled me into all of this. Please dont leave me alone to handle them.

Out of town for just a week and worlds can change upside down. It wasnt long ago. All the 3 of us were together discussing love and life and how everything was just a farce and all of a sudden I found myself in unfamiliar territory with familiar faces. 3 more faces to be precise!

Atlee: "So!! Whats with you and Jay and your date? "

Prachi: "Its just nothing. People are reading too much into it. "

Atlee: "Oh is it? But I wasnt lead to believe so."

It was just a day since I came back and it was a day of hectic committee work. So I was yet to get the updates and the presence of Prachi didnt make it any easier. I kept thinking.
5 log hain. Dhivya wasnt there in the initial plan. Or was she? Lets assume she wasnt. 4 people. Prachi, Surabhi, atlee and Jay. Logon ne kaha tha updates hain. To kiska kiske saath chal raha hai. Agar Jai aur Prachi ka chal raha hai to Atlee idhar uske saath kyon hai auto mei. Aur agar Atlee aur Prachi ka chal raha hai to woh Jai ki baat kyon kar raha hai. Aur Dhivya kidhar se aa gayi. Agar Jai aur Dhivya ka chal raha hai to Atlee, Prachi aur Surabhi kyon jaa rahe hain. Are there 2 pairs or just 1? Or am I just imagining things? All combinations seemed possible.

One thing was for sure, I was getting bored to death.

PB(Poor Batty): "Hi! My name is Batty. I am your co-traveller in this auto. May I know whats going on?"

So finally, Poor Batty gets all the updates and feels all the more alone. So he calls Atlee aside.

PB: Tera aur Surabhi ka kuch chal raha hai kya?
Atlee: Nahi re! Nonsense!
PB: Achi baat hai. Kyonki agar hai, to mai aise hi cut maar raha hoon. 2 kabab mei ek haddi bohot jyada hoti hai.
Atlee: 1 nahi 4. I'll meet you in an hour. Bbye.

Infinity mall ! I was just looking around cursing my luck. Here I was with 2 pairs that found eternity in their own company. Surabhi and Dhivya had gone food-hunting and were pretty comfortable talking to each other. Jai and Prachi were busy engaged in a conversation that aint worth even describing. One line that I heard made me fall flat. It was Jai advising Prachi on how to get a smooth skin. I just thought to myself. Saale!! Ma@#@@#$# Atlee, if you dont come here on a count of 10, tomorrow's papers are going to cover your funeral.

TGIF it was finally. We entered and took our places. Thank God I got the aisle. Everybody ordered a drink and I ordered a mocktail. Finally, it took a drink and a huge and ugly grin from my side to break the ice and there we were laughing and shouting, driving the whole place mad. One drink down, one person called for tequilla. Now, an interesting thing about tequilla is it should be taken in shots and the way you take it defines the shot. Here I was forced to show them the right way. I still see and laugh at the video even today. Its very difficult to describe disjoint events. But these are some of them
1. Surabhi and Dhivya rubbing legs with each other prompting us to discuss if something is going on :)
2. Jai asking Dhivya not to look at him cos her eyes were seducing him. Kitne logon pe ek din mei line maara usne
3. All of us relating our love stories, some failed ones obviously
4. Prachi taking the tequilla shot in 15 sips.
5. Atlee played narrator and photographer throughout. It took another trip to rid him of his non-innocent acts of the past
6. It was the begining of the induction of another illegal non-resident member in 623 - Prachi.
7. Surabhi made her presence more frequent in 623 meetings and happenings.
8. Dhivya - the tech savvy desktop freak chose to get all the updates right from her room.
9. Aap soch rahe hain Poor Batty(PB) ka kya hua. He remained the same. New gal woes still haunt him. Familiar faces still show contempt for him but is highly appreciated for his clowny antics. News buffs say he has been rewarded with Room Number: 420 just so that people still have something to laugh about even after he is gone.

It was an evening to remember with a very average start and a hearty finish.

Written and Directed by,
Batty

Where do I hide you, Mr. Hyde?

How do I name it? What do I want to write? What is the picture above? I'll take that one. I see a neatly dressed man drowning calling out to the heavens reaching out into emptiness. Doesn't he see a tube around him ? Thats my point. Look closely. Its the tube that is strangling him and not the water winking at him. From the days of Jekyll and Hyde I have believed people live 2 characters. Not that I hate Hyde and adore Jekyll, but every person's Hyde ain't violent. Hyde is the evil the society finds unacceptable in you. We unashamedly hide the Hyde and deify the Jekyll to achieve our ends, gain acceptability. Can the principles I built through my formative years be check-mated to assuage a society's aging customs?

I cant help but compare my situation to the picture above. I still remember I was a small kid when I was thrown into the river. I was drowning and desperately called for help. They didn't answer my call. They wanted me to learn to swim. Thats life! Learn to live it! When they saw I was struggling and had learnt to beat my hands and legs along, they threw in a tube. I was more than happy. Not only was I saved, I began enjoying the river. I knew I wouldn't drown. They knew I wouldn't drown. I was having the time of my life. They were happy I was. Now comes the hitch. They feed you, shower you with all the love and affection, money as well. You start growing and the tube seems to shrink. You have learnt to swim and want to explore the river. Not only is the tube too weak to float and show you places, it has started to strangle you. I again reach out and call for help. I get the same answer. Thats life! Learn to live it! What do I do? I can cut the tube and risk taking a path unknown exploring beautiful places I dreamt of but no one will throw a tube again.

What am I going to do? Where am I going to? I don't have a definitive answer to that. Will I be one among the hypocrites who crib and go the same way or be a path breaker and eventually end up a loser? Loser? Yes you will be!! Take it from me. Before deifying the likes of Gandhiji for whom I have the highest regard in the last century, just look at the society that bred him. It was an uneducated lot yearning for a leader. This is a time, everywhere you look you will find only leaders who strategise but hardly a person who will work. Its the age of cell phones, mini skirts and discotheques; wine tasting parties, sea-facing flats, exotic vacations in the Europa. What do I do to sustain such a lifestyle? Be one of them or risk being called a loser.

Where do I bury you, Mr. Hyde? Where do I hide you? Where would your soul Rest In Peace if I choose to bury you or Rust In Peace should I choose to hide you? Please help me!!!!!!

Amen!!!

Showtime

- Based on an episode in my friend's life

Forts of love built on foundation of tears must realize they are always on slippery grounds.

Do I turn left or do I go straight? Left it is. But it was too late. I forgot the brakes weren't working and I had made a steer. The wheels screeched. She clutched me in desperation and I put both my foot down. Narrow escape. I took a breath and steadied the bike again. "Your driving leaves much to be desired. I was expecting this for a few days." I heard her murmuring. So was I... So was I... I excused myself under the pretext of ATM visit and went to get a bottle of water. "Sir, Your eyes are red. Go see a doctor." This time it was the shop keeper. I washed my face and gazed at the last Klein tablet. Should I get more? I am fast losing it. The stress levels were getting to me. My concentration levels were dipping. I went blank. I heard a voice inside my head saying.... No...don't lose it...stay alert..stay awake....stay alive...focus...The fears that haunted my dreams are, today, dancing in front of me. It is showtime...

There are plenty of decisions that a person has to make in life. The most critical ones are those where you have to choose between two loved ones. The parties can be wife, fiancee, girlfriend, boyfriend, fiance, husband, friend, mother, father or any other relative for that matter. These are cases when logic and reasoning take a backseat with the love for one another like a drunkard on the wheel. Whom do you love more? Whom do you love less? How long have you loved a person? Whats the depth of your relationship with the person? What can you say? What cant you say? There are no win-win answers to this. It more often than not ends up in one getting hurt because his/her love for that person was compromised in the situation. This happens always and all around us. Look closely! People lie not because they want to. People scream and snub other loved ones, not because they want to. They do not feel good either after doing so. All the three parties are in a state of mental depression. There is no winner. There is no loser.

But I'll tell you what is worse. When your loved ones ask you to arbitrate on a matter of grave concern. You don't have a choice. YOU ARE THE LOSER. Either ways!!! It is because you don't have an opinion but you pass a judgement on people, both of whom have loved you dearly and look up to you to stand up for them. What!!! That's all!!! That's something that happens to me always!!! So might you think!! Wait for it. It ain't over. You are given time and that time is not so that you can laze around and announce your judgement at the end of the period, but just so that each one can feed you with so much opinionated arguments and tears that you lose your temper and cool. Your normal routine gets affected and you move into a state of mental trauma where you cannot take the issue off your grid for even a single moment. Your friends start to take note of your mood swings. You wish you went into coma.

Tears and emotional blackmail are neither a means nor a constructive end to any debate. The foundation of forts of love are built on bricks of trust and belief, with occasional tears and not tears alone. Participation indicates boldness and tears, fear and cowardice. They aren't a true reflection of true love. Forts of love built on foundation of tears must realise they are always on slippery grounds.

Time and Tide wait for no man. Why, I ask? Is there a pause or a rewind button in life. Cant everything stay on a status quo. I hate to lose the trust and love of either of them. What do I do? The salt in my tears rolling down my cheeks into my open mouth finally wake me to senses. I quickly washed my face with the bottle of water.

Virtue Verity and Virginity

Disclaimer: All the characters in the story are fictional and bear no resemblance to anybody living or dead. In an attempt to challenge the writer within I might have created characters but the feelings and the emotion exuded are true to my conscience and are as I would have reacted to such a situation. My long absence from this arena was because this is a script I have rewritten many times over and made it less stimulating and more appealing


There are very few elements in this world that I am allergic to and one of them is the shrill shriek of a telephone especially during one of those happy afternoon naps. The other being a kick from my sister when I dont pick it up. Isnt there something called respecting elders? But I was bothered about something else today. Well!! Not today but the whole of the last week. All this was playing in my mind when I spoke into the phone with a gruff voice. " I have been trying to reach you for a whole week and get no response. Either you are not in or nobody picks up. What have you been upto?" Dont I just love her voice? Why does she have to be so lovely and caring? Am gonna have to reciprocate it. I'll tell her today. This is it!! " Not my fault!! I was broke the entire week. So couldnt call you back. You know I dont have an STD connection at home. " That was fast!! Fast!! My foot. Why dont you just tell her what it is?. " You sound changed. I hope it isnt anything to do with me." Nonsense!! Its got everything to do with you. " Are you crazy!! Dont be nuts!! You are the best thing that ever happened to me. But you know its just that kind of strange ideas I have been having over the past week I dont know how to comprehend them. I mean I am able to but doesnt make sense to me." Why dont you just apologise to her about that night and say you just didnt mean it, you egomaniac. "Was it something about the other night" she asked in a low tone. Hang on!! She hasnt spoken to you like this. She has apparently misunderstood it. Hang on!! Dont go for it!! Hold on!! " Well yes and no. I mean I was just thinking events are moving faster than we are. We should probably spend more time trying to understand each other." " I knew it!! Why couldn't you be open about it. If you had insisted we could have done it as well. All you guys are the same!! How cheap!!" and a thud. Blank!! What could we have done? It took me a moment to get her. Oh Fuck!! What have I done!! It wasn't supposed to end this way!! I just have to learn more than to just blindly dismiss my alter-ego. You are an egomaniac

Same Day Same Time Two weeks Before:

"I am surprised you are still awake. Isn't this your happy afternoon nap time?" Why do moms always have to be correct? "Are you crazy? Lazy people sleep off afternoons. I got my exams in a month. And you better close that door when you go. I don't want you house folks fighting when am having my classroom sessions on the phone." "Dont bark at me!! I just wanted to find out if you will be available for Inder's marriage next weekend. Shall I book tickets for you as well. " "Oh ok!! You must mean Inder's auction. Sell him off to the highest bidder and jail him for life. You think I would want to be part of that nonsense. You must be joking. With exams coming up ask him if he can donate me some of his auction money for getting the question papers." There is one more thing I am allergic to - marriages. "You will never change. I pity your wife." she said closing the door softly. Treeng!! What timing!! I knew who it is!! "Helloooooo" I said lazily into the phone. " Oh!! I hope I didn't disturb you!!" " Nopes you didn't. You know!! I just love these afternoon naps. If there is just anything else I love, it is just you disturbing me." How very mundane and unromantic!! " How sweet!! You know I love these naps as well. We share a lot in common." Oh we do? I never knew!! "Guess what I am coming down to Bangalore next weekend for Preity's marriage." I just love her tone when she gets excited. She's so very sweet. "I am just hoping you can make it as well. I really want to spend some time with you together." Spend some time together alone in a marriage!! Man!! She's buying you!! Don't go for it!! " Marriage!! You nuts!! How did you ever think I'll give it a miss? I just love marriages and have never seen a Kannadiga one. You bet!! I am coming!!" Why do these SOBs never change!! " She's not a Kanadiga. We are committed for god's sake. Why do you have to still try and impress me." Hahahah!! You better get your facts straight man!! I hung up and let a huge smile. I just love her. Reliving those moments when I proposed to her and her sweet little answer 'Why did it take you so long' gets me into deep trances. "Oops!! Did I just disturb your happy afternoon naps?" " Oh!! Not at all mom, come on in. I was just thinking hard. After all Inder is one of our relations. Wouldn't it be bad if I didn't attend his marriage?" "Oh you mean auction!! No not at all!! How could he do such a thing!! Don't worry I can convince people around there." she said with a wry smile on her face. " Oh!! If you mean the marriage am definitely not coming to it. I have a friend in IIM Bangalore to meet up. I'd probably attend the reception. That pretty much vindicates my stand." What a stupid reason!! You are one idiot I fail to comprehend!! What did I do to deserve such a nagging and irritating alter ego. I thought you were my companion. It doesn't seem to be so.


Same Day Same Time One week Before:

This is crazy!! I have been in this place for just half hour and I have assumed roles of a maid servant a photographer and a pujaari. What versatility!! I have to put up with it. Ahh!! Finally lunch. After lunch we went places together. I made the most of it. Tried to get as close to her as possible. In her soft little hands I found a nerve which directly led to her sweet heart. I clung on to that like a life saver. Suddenly I felt lost in a sheath of ice which smelt so very good. One more thing I like about her is that she always insists we go dutch. 50-50? Not at all!! I empty my pocket and she hands out a note. Well she has never really let me feel bad about it as she always receives the bill and adjusts the amount she tells me. I just love her for it notwithstanding the fact that I wasn't being a gentleman. "I was just thinking we can spend the evening together as well and have dinner with my friends." Oh No!!! Not them!! They are such a pain!! People at the reception would be better!! Buzz off man!! Your mom is waiting!! " Oh sure!! They are such wonderful company."

THE EVENING

A birthday cake with two candles on top with food around!! They probably misunderstood candle light dinner!! The birthday of a friend in a guest house!! Just awesome!! " You can stay here overnight if you choose to. We can talk all night long. Its been a long time away from my friends as well. So all four of us can make a campfire tonight in the garden." "Well I am not sure if I am up to it cos I really got to be going!!" The giggles of laughter really got me embarrassed. She was there to help me once again. "We have got two rooms, two gals and two guys here. We gals can take one room and you can take the other." I always fall for her sweet little smile. That night was probably one I would remember and cherish for a long time. All the four of us really jelled together and it was awesome pulling each others legs. I was seated beside her with her hands on mine. She didn't seem to want to let go of it. It gave me a feeling of self importance. I beamed with joy that was short lived. The topic soon moved on to northie vs southie discussions and thrived upon my chickening out this evening. I as usual was at my aggressive self saying reasons which would have been quashed by a 10 year old. The discussions slowly became gestures. I noticed that she was no longer beside me but was nearly over me engrossed in her attack. I didn't notice it as well as I was busy defending my state's pride as if it needed me badly. Guys!! They never accept defeat!! Why don't you just accept you chickened out!! I saw I was fast failing and was looking for something to fall back on. In a fit of self rage in one sweeping motion I took her head from behind made her face me face-to-face and kissed her sweet little lips. It felt like heaven. My lips, for the first time, received a guest other than my tongue and gladly let her in as well. I told you I didn't chicken out!! Getting a jolt I suddenly withdrew and tightly closed my eyes. Oh!! Please don't!! " That was something!!" Amidst applauses I lit up my eyes and found her blushing and rushing inside. No!! What have I done!! This cant be reality!! I was just fighting it out with my alter ego!! I wasn't chickening out!! It took some time for me to realize that it was reality indeed!! Our conversation continued for some time half of it meeting two oblivious ears. Finally when we decided quits I went into her room to tell her how I felt about it. She was sleeping(or so I thought). I closed in on our gap, mildly touching her shoulders not knowing what to tell her. She turned, her eyes wide open. " I don't think we should be doing this." " Well you probably are right!!" I returned slowly closing the door after me. Am I into another one of my trances? Why couldn't I have just stayed back?

THEREAFTER

It has been two months now. Its my birthday today. Will she or wont she? I waited the whole day and was getting restless. That was probably one of the very few birthdays I disliked. A rather uneventful day passed by with just a one liner saying happy birthday on YM. She sucks!! She just sucks!!

One more month passed by and my frustration levels had peaked. I was not able to concentrate. I had refused any body's offer to intervene. If at all this is resolved, I shall do it. the egomaniac I am. It was her birthday. I had decided this was going to be it. Its either now or never. I don't care!! She is a nobody to me. I am just gonna tell her I wasn't wrong and hang up. I don't love her anymore. Are you being true to yourself? Oh!! I am . Thats the truth. Nobody wants to hear the truth. I took the phone dialed her number and just waited for the ring. God!! Please!!! The engaged tone!!! Please!!! I pray to you!!Treeng!! "Hellooo" her voice still had the same magic. I didn't respond. There was a sob that could faintly be heard. " I am sorry. I just wanted to tell you I had nothing else in mind. Am sorry if I hurt you." She said only one thing and hung up " I love you." It was amazing. One phone call had resolved it all.

She is no longer with me now, but I cherish her dreams. The next two months we were very close to each other and those were the best days of my life. Looking back I found three words which have been hard to define and very confusing. Virtue, Verity and Virginity

Was I virtuous? I was. I really didn't have anything else in mind and I did make an attempt to patch things up. Lesson: Most important thing.
Was I truthful? I probably was. Wrongly at certain times. But it did pay off. I don't know if we could have got any closer if not for that period of separation. Lesson: Verity does pay off
Was I concerned about virginity? Hell no. Man!! thats just a short lived desire. It does no man any good. I have realized more joy in her company than probably thinking otherwise. Lesson: You can always whack off!! There are other small pleasures that stay with you for life.

Written and Directed by,
Batty

Not Half As Beautiful As She Was

Disclaimer: All the characters in the story are fictional and bear no resemblance to anybody living or dead. In an attempt to challenge the writer within I might have created characters but the feelings and the emotion exuded are true to my conscience and are as I would have reacted to such a situation.



"You love her, don't you" he said sucking the last drop of beer in the mug. I didn't quite guess what he meant. Even though I hadn't had a sip of alcohol, the dim lights and the soft music made sure I didn't feel its absence. "Love whom....". A chuckle from another got me back to senses. "Oh yeah...and know for certain she does too...we just have to confess that to each other". "Sir, your bill". I thought this had saved me the embarrassment of what I had just blurted out. But not so fast. He grabbed it, dismissed him and looked at me with a what/when/how expression. "Now Mr. Cupid, how do you know what she feels. Did she ever hint that?". (Oh!! Shuks...What did I just do....this is getting outta my hands....why couldn't I have just told him in the first place that we were just good friends). " Hmmm..that doesn't matter anyways 'cos am just gonna say no if at all sucha thing happens".(Haha!!!...The importance of being loved than being in love is so enticing and overpowering..have to put up with the arrogance it brings along). The sound of laughter echoed through the empty bar. A serious and heavy voice said " Now why would you do sucha thing? Have you ever been in love previously or rather have you proposed to someone before?". This blunt question took me aback for a moment and struck a chord somewhere deep and my heart just missed a beat. " Yes, I have" I said involuntarily, still trying to recover. I excused myself and went straight into the loo. The memories of that early morning phone call still haunt me. Can tell you that these morning phone calls are a major irritant for most people and I was no exception. That morning in particular cos I had just returned after watching a late night movie. A sobbing voice called out " RB is that you.." I immediately recognized it and said " Anny, can I call you back. Am not outta my bed as yet". " No..its urgent RB...". My eyes opened up. " You alright?? " " Yes...but Shalini...She..." " What about her? " " She met with an accident last night". She broke down as these words left her mouth. " You alright??" this time it was a male voice. I didn't respond.." Batty ...you alright??" My friends had just paid up the bill and come into the loo. " Yes..yessss" I told them, rinsed my sweating face and walked outta there catching a glimpse of one of them nudging the other not to pursue this topic any further. I was relieved. That night as I lay down on my bed a spate of disjointed memories gushed through my mind.

THEY FIRST MET
"Why in the holy name of God should I write the entrance test to Delhi Engg college. Its not even worth the attempt" I asked my mom. I didn't really expect a response from her as I was in no mood to tolerate nonsense. Your brother gave that exam and he got into IIT and so going by the same logic you give it too. Ahh!! It was anyways too late in the day..or night rather..we had already boarded the train. As always I got down and checked the reservation list stuck on the bogie. As we had booked our tickets at the last moment we got seats at two ends of the same compartment. If only I could use this opportunity, I mused as my eyeballs ran through that list. Shalini...Hmm...sounds Mallu...Anjali..wow...sounds funky and interesting...only two F 18s(Sex-age)...way too less...I joked as I got in. I was too tired and didn't realize when I slept. When I woke up it was already morning and some giggling sounds broke my yawn and I sat up. Two chicks..wooh....but whos who....whatever nice opportunity. I just jumped from my cabin and was greeted by a familiar voice " Surprise!!! I just got my seats exchanged. You were sleeping ..so didn't want to wake you up." " Wow!! How great" I said with a shrunken face as I took the paste in my hand and headed towards the loo. I went two bogies far and turned to the wash basin. This I did so that I could have a puff. I opened the door and felt a cool wind blowing on my face. Perfect weather. I was just 3 cigars old and I didn't know how to light one. Result - matchbox flew. Now what I thought to myself as I chewed the cigar. A voice called out "Lighter??" I turned and my jaws dropped. The same chicks with coffee in their hands!! One was lean and had a perfect body and the other was like me. Not too lean and not too heavy. The latter then lighted my cigarette and it lit to my surprise. I offered her the extra one I had in my pocket. The leaner babe retorted " We quit smoking". What a snub!! I thought. Before I realized the first encounter was over they were gone. I took a long hard puff at it and sighed " What a start to the day". There was more in store. As I walked back to my bogie I saw the same chicks in some serious conversation with my mom. ( Oh gosh!!!! What did I do to deserve sucha punishment). As I retired to my upper berth, I fervently tried to eavesdrop on the conversation going on below and faintly heard a mention of some examination center that sounded familiar(Yeah!!thats mine, but who among you). My excitement was way too loud to go unnoticed. The snub gave me an arrogant smile whereas the other ones' was more pleasant. This didn't escape my mom as she called me below and introduced me to them. " We've already met." they said in chorus.

THE EXAM
Its just amazing when you have closed your minds on one of the institutes, how easy that paper looks irrespective of whether the answers are right or wrong. Finished the paper way before time and came out. Before going to the exams, I noticed a temple aside the center. I decided to spend about half an hour there before my mom could pick me up( No eyebrows raised please ........I was a theist then). I walked in, did the chores and sat in a corner staring at people. Temple or not...we guys never change..In the course of my trajectories a face familiar raced across...the fatter(or not so lean should I say) one with a lighter again....What the **** I thought...I waited for her to finish her prayers and went behind her to have my revenge or talk to her rather. " I thought you quit smoking." I said breathing down her neck. She was taken by surprise and gave me a look which said...forget it. It immediately transpired to a pleasant and mesmerizing smile. " Oh!! Its actually my brother's. I always carry it with me as a good luck charm." A lighter a good luck charm. Now either that was a bad cover up or she was crazy. I am not a mind reader but something told me it was the latter. "I don't notice your friend around, I said trying to start a conversation. " " Oh..Anny got a different center and told me she'd gimme a call once its over." she said fishing for her cell. She became restless as she couldn't find hers. She immediately rushed out of the temple straight into the center leaving me with a blank expression. Why are luck and I always at logger-heads? I thought as I walked out of the temple. She was on the road emptying her purse and more restless. Perfect for the entry of Mr. Nice Guy. I called out to her " Shalini...you seem very disturbed" " Nothing..its my bro's cell and he'll kill me if I lost it." "How I wish I could do the same thing, but its the other way round in my house" I joked. She didn't seem too impressed. " Bad joke!! Sorry about that. But did you bring it in the first place." " The Cafe!!" she exclaimed. "Hi, I am Shalini" she said as I got into the auto beside her. I was suddenly searching for an intro for myself."RB" I said as I shook hands. " Barat??" She looked at me questioningly. Woww...great you remember, I cribbed.." friends call me RB" ( who calls me so??)

LUCK AINT WITH ME
Almost an year had gone by and we were still friends..only friends..our conversations didn't sound so to the tune that they were more clogged by something both of us wanted to say or at the least thats what I thought..It was getting difficult for me and talking to her suddenly became a pain unbearable. I had to put an end to this and I just got the right opportunity. Another visit to the capital and I jumped up and kissed my mom. She was surprised and had a questioning look. " I deserve a break" I said trying to contain my excitement. The final exams finally got over. I was to travel a day later than my mom. Its very difficult giving up a Rajdhani journey to GT. But trains always bode luck for me. As I boarded the train I realized that I wasnt yet prepared what to say and I had just got 16 hrs to go. 32 hrs journey?? Yes it is. But it was so planned cos Shalini was getting into the train at Nagpur which is 16hrs away. ( What a strategy!!) ...5 hrs passed...10..15...20....25...It was way past midnight and we were still chatting the more the conversation went...the more difficult it was for me to see her face. I ultimately called it quits and took the upper berth to sleep. I couldn't sleep but it was far better. Shalini, I want to tell you something. You don't know how much I love you...oh crap...sounds too filmy...I have feelings for you..what shit feelings......no..not the proper word..or just forget it and take her into a lip-lock and say Hows that..kewl idea..and next thing sit in a police station with bare minimum clothes kneeling down...constable saying..Hows that...RB....Shalini's voice..Hey...hang on madam..I am not ready with my dialogues as yet.." RB" I woke up to find her at my feet..waking me up..."Cmon wake up...we got to get down...""but its just 5 in the morning..." Okhla station comes at 5:30 and you don't expect a girl to walk at that time of the morning all alone do you??" Now what...bodyguard...I'd be the first person to run in case of any incident..What a stupid idea..Rajdhani wd have been great fun..I thought as we walked through the empty streets..We didn't speak all the while...I made up my mind and told myself this is going to be it..We reached the bus stand and I said " Shalini, there's something I want to..." I hadn't finished that I saw her yawn and point out at a bus that'll take me home.... " I'd be waiting for you at the theater at 2. I want you to meet a friend of mine." She turned and left. isn't there something called decency and etiquette in this world...How very rude!!!

THE PROPOSAL OR WAS IT??
If any of you have experienced it I needn't tell you that there can be no worse thing than getting tickets in a theater and waiting for the person to come. " Oops I am late" " Oh..not a problem at all..you weren't too long" - 1/2 hr I was made to look like an idiot. We finally got inside. Thank God I thought..she told me that her friend wasn't coming..neither was I too inclined to take tickets for him..Mohabbatein...what a crap movie...and an empty theater...a perfect atmosphere....We were sitting next to each other and her hand was on mine, which was on the handle..not that this was the first time..but this time around I felt the heat inside and my hands trembled.I wanted her to sense it as well. The film progressed and I was getting too restless. She was just 5'6 so I had to stoop down. Now both of our faces were at the same level. "Shal.." I started to be interrupted again " Doesn..." She stopped too. With all the desperation contained I still was a gentleman. " Go on " I said. " Doesn't Aishwarya Rai look beautiful" she said. I looked her in the eye and told her " Not half as beautiful as you are " with all sincerity. Both of us were staring, our eyes just centimeters away. " Itni der kyon kardi( What took you so long)" she managed closing her eyes. "Sheila Dixit ke mukhya mantri banne ka intezaar kar rah tha(waiting for Shiela Dixit to become the CM)" I said. She opened her eyes and laughed. Now all the above said things happened in the interval of 30 seconds in which she closed her eyes for a brief period of 3 seconds. Why was it? Was it a lost opportunity? there was no time for searching answers to questions like that. She held my hands tightly together fingers entangled. Intermission- I saw her face as if for the first time in years and it had the same old pleasant mesmerizing smile I had first seen an year ago. She excused herself to get some snacks and I was all alone. I heaved a sigh of relief and told myself..Did I actually propose to her....no love..no feelings...wow..thats quite a proposal. All these thoughts were cut short by a voice that called out " Hey mate, you made it at last." Ahh..the same person who was standing behind me in the queue at the ticket counter. "Ji??" I looked at him questioningly. " Congrats man" " Congrats RB" a voice called from the other side. Didn't she look familiar. Why wouldnt She..Anjali was standing while Shalini behind her gave a sheepish smile. I had a 36" BOLD ITALIC QUESTION MARK on my face. Was there a hidden camera? Shalini broke it to me " I knew it was going to be today so I brought my friends along. Meet Anjali, whom you already know and Nirupam Sharma, my college mate.


The sound of the clock woke me up and I was staring right into the tube light which I had forgotten to switch off. I managed to get myself up with a lot of trouble and went to grab a bottle of water. It all seemed like it happened just now and 4 years had gone by. I returned to the bed feeling rather lonely. I have known people who have been in love for years. Mine was gunned down by Him even before it blossomed. As I laid down and shut my eyes tightly a speck of tear left the corner of my eye into the cheek. My lips were mumbling something I always wanted to tell her but never could and never will - I love you , Shalini I love you."

Written and directed by
Batty