The fireman wants to hang his boots

Every 31st December evening for the past few years has been characteristic of two things: its the single biggest let-down of the year - all plans go haywire and you end up spending it at an uncle's place or in some crappy restaurant waiting for your turn to get in. The other is resolutions. I cant think of the last resolution that I made and kept. This is about one such resolution: Hanging the fireman boots.

Relationship management, wikipedia defines as, a multifaceted process, that focuses on creating two-way exchanges so that they have an intimate knowledge of each others' needs and wants.

If this definition were so crystal clear to everyone and they followed it religiously why would there ever be problems in relationships. In this post I am going to throw some "free" gyaan that would make my presence or advise in such a situation, as a relationship manager or the disaster management dude Batty, redundant. I am slowly phasing out my role as a personal consultant for a reason that is still not obvious to some people: I have never been in a relationship. I have no clue as to what you are asking. Cant you see what am emphasizing is textbook definition of relationship management because I just want to help? But for some reason I have earned the tag that I have started to hate - The disaster management guy, the fireman who can extinguish any fire. TIME OUT!!! I am hanging my boots.

Here they go....

1. Listening is the foundation of any relationship. Trust me!! An hmm.. hmm... when the other person speaks his/her heart out makes a lot of difference.
2. Do not take a decision when in a vulnerable situation - take a break, let your emotions go for a country ride and then take a call. Think of both the good moments and bad moments that you have shared and which prevails.
3. Corollary to the previous: Never take advantage of a vulnerable person. He/She is bound to like you back. That doesn't last. It is easy to push a person walking on the edge over a cliff, but remember he/she takes you down as well. Be a friend and save the relationship. That earns more brownie points than the former.
4. Pretense of character and nobility doesn't work wonders. Its like intra-day trading. At the end of the day you got to square off your positions.
5. I miss you, I like you don't alone count as leads that the other sex throws. There is a minimum barrier and a maximum barrier to these leads. In that band go for it. Below it, its too early. Above it, what the heck were you doing? The person is already searching for alternatives. Make a dash.
6. The essence of relationship management is to make every customer realize that he/she is the most valuable customer. Giving a person that feeling of importance does not make you any less.
7. If something embarrassing has transpired between friends, the onus of starting a conversation and talking falls on the person who has said No and not on the other. The latter is a shattered person. Its upto the former to make him/her realize how important and relevant he/she still is? By avoiding the person you will have won the battle but lost a good friend in that attempt.
8. Never use a messenger or in-between or sms as an alternative to talking. Face-to-face conversations or hearing the voice of loved ones rekindles old and supposedly lost fire.
9. Don't have unrealistic expectations about anyone. Everyone lives for himself/herself. That doesn't make a person anymore selfish or anyless caring. Every person is meant to be so.
10. The most important one: Never take the advise of a third person on how to handle your relationship. You are the best judge. Just stick to the textbook definition and the above lines and you'll find the world a better place to live in. That third person includes me. All I have tried to do when people have come to me with problems is take their emotions on a country ride; de-clog them so that they can make a sane decision.

Criticisms to this post are unwelcome as you are really not the target audience. In retrospect when you become one, please go through this and you will see the relevance.

To insinuations of gyaan-baazi and a fart-post, agree. This is one. But to each his motivation for writing something. I promised a friend a post a week.

Signed,
Batty

Author's note: As much as this blog is close to me, I really need another platform for my forthcoming compilation. So I shall be visible on http://www.letterstomydad.wordpress.com/ as well which goes live sometime next week. Watch out for that space to get some real quality anecdotes in my life - some emotional, some funny, some embarassing but all true as letters to my dad.

If only they had...

In the course of marketing I have learnt that no publicity is bad to revive a dying brand. This entry does by no means fall under that category. I don't intend getting cheap hits on my blog by raking a controversy. There is this one distinct incident in my childhood that I cant help relate to present developments. I just thought I'll share it with everybody. Comments on the entry might please be restricted to the purview of the incident described below and not extrapolated to the author's insinuations.

X: Are you insane? Don't touch that. It will cut your fingers.

Me: Why are you anyways making it? Cant we just get it outside for like 10 bucks?

X: Its kite-flying and its war. If you just get any string outside, ours would be the first one that goes down. All we need to do is let this stuff boil and then apply it on the string with a stick and the day is ours.

Me: All the pain for seeing others' kites go down. What sort of a place is this? Looks like an undertaker's bungalow.

X: Shut the f**k up. This is my balcony.

Me: Dood, aren't you afraid your mom is gonna shout at you?

X: For what?

Me: Well previously I thought your scientific kite logic was a problem, but I fear your language more now.

X: Oh! She doesn't care. I just told her we are doing an experiment for school.

Me: Yeah, like she is dumb to believe that

X: She is. Trust me. I am more educated than her.

Me: Nonsense! We are in eighth grade. Oh...OK...

X: By the way, how did your mom take it this morning? She seemed pretty pissed.

Me: Pretty well. No problem.

_______________________________________________
A few minutes ago:
Mom: I know he did it. Don't try and lie to me. How many times have I told you to find better friends?

Me: Mom! I was batting and he was bowling. It was my shot that broke the glass.

Mom: So what. He leaves you and runs away so that you can take on the neighbors.

Me: I was supposed to run away too. But I didn't. He did what he was supposed to. And its 50 bucks, why are you making an issue out of it?

Mom: The issue is not money, it is company. Don't you have any Brahman friends?

Me: What does Brahman have to do with friends? Do I go asking people what caste they are before making friends? We should have never moved out of Delhi. You have ruined my life.
(Storm out)
_______________________________________________

X: Its all your fault. You should have run. Anyways, your mom is not upset, so why bother?

Me: Their son studies with me in the same school. How do I run away from that fact? I meet him everyday. Its easy for you to say. You don't study in that school

X: I would have loved to study in that school, but .... forget it

Me: Its a school and your dad is like a millionaire. You can join the school anytime you want. Whats the problem?

X: My dad says that's a Brahman school and its better for me to study in a school that's nearby.

Me: Whats a Brahman got to do with school?

X: I dunno. My parents say its an exclusive club and you'll be left out. And who cares? I'll study till I want to and then move to my father's business.

Me: Business? My mom hates that word. She has already plans laid out for me. IIT and go abroad.

X: Abroad? Do you have somebody there?

Me: Most of my relatives are there. So my mom says they will guide me. How about yours?

X: All my relatives are in the village. We first moved to the city because of dad's business.

Me: I have also heard that there is a lot of money in business. But don't you think a degree is required before you take over the business. Just in case.

X: Who cares about education? I am not good at it anyways. When I say I get a 60, my mom hugs me.

Me: Well me too for a 90 but the next statement is always why not a 95. I better be good at this. Why don't you move to our school? It will be great. We can play cricket together.

X: I don't think so. You have got your own group there - "your" friends. I am better off here.

Me: Oh..cm on. Do you really think I am like that?

X: Oh yeah, so why didn't you attend our family function I had invited you for?

Me: Well...hmm... Hey!! That pot is boiling. Its ready. Lets hit the roof.


Fast forward - 2008 January.

Me: Hey!! This place has changed a lot. It ain't the same when I left it years ago.

Y: Yup, it has. So how have you been?

Me: Well, my MBA is over and I am joining ICICI bank. How about you?

Y: I am with Sathyam. Still a coder. :)

Me: How are the others? How is X? Kinda lost touch with him. Its been ages.

Y: He is with a printing press. Comes home pretty late.

Me: Bugger. I knew he would get into his father's business. Always said he would.

Y: Well, actually no! He quit his education after 12th and joined his father's business. It ran into a loss and they had to shut down. I couldn't help him because everywhere they asked for a degree. Wish he had continued his education. Wish there was somebody to guide him.

Me: Oh... Stare into emptiness

Fast forward - April 11th 2008

Supreme Court upholds OBC quota. Protesters claim the creamy layer has to be left out. The rich segment in the OBC category already have everything. They have access to education, resources. What else do they want? Why include them in the quota? They have everything.

Me(thinking): If only they had...

Signed,
Barat Ramkumar a.k.a. Batty

P.S.: Whatever I am today, I owe a lot to this society, my parents, their guidance and so many other factors. I just don't have the heart to speak against those who are deprived of the above. Money doesn't maketh a man. I am not pro-reservation, neither do my emotions allow me to be anti. GODSPEED.

Daddy's back

Which Friends Character Are You?

More on Friends. Created by BuddyTV

Apologies to the thousands(read nil) following my blog for my prolonged absence. In trying to explore a writer within, I had created a cyber-persona I don't even remotely relate to. So this is an attempt at mainstream blogging.

Phew!!! So much has changed in my life since my voluntary break. So let me start off by putting down a few disjoint incidents. The contrast and the irony would be obvious. Yesterday refers to a Batty sometime ago.

Yesterday: Dude!! Guess what!! Batty cracked an ICICI RM profile. That guy doesn't know the ABC of Fin. Man!! He can pull one on anybody. He is all but a bag of air.

Today: (Office talk overheard) Man that guy has a future. You know the kind of analysis he did on that complex proposal. I heard the National Credit Manager has offered him a post and location of choice . He is made for finance. MBA does teach a lot of finance. I should have opted for it instead of CA.

Yesterday: Hey!! There is this woman that I really like. But am not sure whether she does too. I think I will just sit and watch her. Its win-win. I am happy being with her and she doesn't have to slap me.

Today: So.. I took her to the fancy Thai hotel down the road. Believe it or not. She was blown away. Apparently it was a candle light nite. She smsed me she had a great time. But I laid off. Its getting too serious. I just wanted to see if I still had it in me. I dun wanna give her any ideas.

So what has changed me? Is there at all a change? No. Its all in the attitude. You believe you can do something. There is no stopping. Daddy's back, baby!!!

I never knew just 10 push-ups a morning to shrug off sleep can have a co-working babe thinking I gym everyday. Evidence that there are dumb girls for auction on a platter. Interested parties please note.

I never knew speaking smooth English and Linkin Park can make a boss disbelieve I dont have a girlfriend. "Dont tell me you dont have one. Cmon, you dont have to feel shy." The last time I decided not to, I made a complete ass of myself in front of my best friend. But I said "I am not the one-girl-guy"

Before I sign off, an interesting conversation I overheard in office when there was very little work.

A: You are wrong. There is a difference between a factory and a ship. You cant physically move a factory but a ship can.

Me and my super-boss stop over to overhear.

B: But how about this. The ship is on a vast mass of water which is similar to land. So you cant steal a ship and hide it in your pocket.

Now. me and my super-boss are wowed. We started taking interest in the conversation.

A: Dont make dumb arguments. A ship is a ship and a factory is a factory. One is movable and the other is immovable.

C: No, he is right. If you stand inside a factory and shout this is mine. Its the same as standing inside a ship and shouting this is mine wherever the ship goes.

Now both of us are laughing our stomachs out.

B: Hey Batty! Cmon you tell me ship and a factory are the same.

Batty:(in a fix - one is the boss and the other a very senior person) Well....I dunno what to say. I have to agree ships can move at the same time you can claim both are yours as long as its not me shouting Its mine

Super-Boss(Laughing out loud): I can see that there is no work guys. But dont you think this has gone a little too far. Ships and Factories are different. Lets put an end to this.

A: See, I told you!! Thats why the security charge on a ship is hypothecation and one on a factory is mortgage eventhough both are submitted as collaterals against term-loans.

Me and my super-boss look at each other(foot in the mouth) - They were really discussing business

Adios,
Batty